It’s been more than a month since I last saw myself typing in this text box. Certainly not what I had in mind when I started this blog. Oh well (sigh). This past month has been tough for me personally, well more like spiritually. I mean real tough. I found myself caught up again in one of the hardest dilemmas I’ve had over the past five years and I’m hoping for its end to arrive. Like in a roller coaster, I’m in that dreadful part of falling down, patiently and anxiously waiting for the drop to end, but it doesn’t come for quite a long time. (Deep Sigh)
Have you ever felt the frustrating feeling of you slowly becoming someone you really dislike? Get it? Think of someone you don’t hate to become. Think about the characteristics and attitude you dislike about him. How would you feel when you slowly discover that you are actually living under that shadows of that person — becoming like him? Disappointing and discouraging. That’s me for the past month.
I call it “The King Saul Dilemma”.
Yep. The King Saul Dilemma. Of all the Bible Character you can name, I have a somehow in-born hate for King Saul. Yes. Yes. I know. There’s more wicked and evil characters in the Bible like Judas, or Cain. There’s Delilah, Goliath, Jezebel, the Pharisees, and a lot more but for some bias reason (well for one, my name is David), I don’t like King Saul! Who would right?
Every time I’m asked to introduce myself, I always mention the meaning behind my name (as i did with my introductory blog) because that’s all I want to be. David: “A Man After God’s Own Heart”. Every day, I try to live up to this name. I want to be a man after God’s own heart, but this past month [and years], instead of becoming a “David”, I found myself in the shoes of “King Saul”. Thus, the King Saul Dilemma.
Some of you might ask who is this King Saul that I am talking about. So, I’m going to give you a short background.
The King Saul I dislike
King Saul is Israel’s first chosen king back in the Old Testament days. Handsome and tall (1 Samuel 9:2) among all of Israel, the prophet Samuel anointed him as king. He reigned in Israel for 40 years (1 Samuel 13:12) and led Israel into victory a lot of times. For the Israelites, he was a perfect King but because of his ONE DISOBEDIENCE, BUT HARDENED HEART (1 Samuel 15), God rejected him.
Samuel 15:35 “… but the Lord REGRETTED that He made Saul king over Israel.”
He wasn’t only rejected by God, but worst, God regretted making him king. Instead of going back to God in sincere repentance, as a child would talk to his Father, King Saul hardened his heart and as a consequence, he lost his name in history. Saul never had an intimate relationship with God compared to King David. After his disobedience, Saul lived a defeated life. King Saul could have been “the” Goliath-slayer, but instead, he became an insecure, dumb King, who instead of calling on the name of the Lord, went to a medium to ask for directions (1 Samuel 28). He was supposed to be the “man who killed his tens of thousands”, the “restorer of Jerusalem”. It was supposed to be “the Saul Covenant”. He was supposed to be “the David”, “the man after God’s own heart”, but instead he was a king forgotten and rejected by all. He could have repented along the way (and David was God’s constant reminder), but no, he chose to live by his own terms until He died on his own sword (1 Samuel 31).
For the past month, God brought everything back to me. The question kept ringing inside of me, “David, where do you really stand in terms of your heart’s allegiance to Me? Is it in righteousness or in sin? Are you on My side or against Me?” King Saul was definitely not on God’s side.These past months, God has been speaking to me about loyalty. Where do I really stand in terms of my heart’s allegiance? Is it in righteousness or in sin? Am I on His side or against Him?
If I were the same old David, I’d say, “Nothing’s wrong with me God. Ask the people around me”. Well, you won’t really know if something’s wrong with me because of the masks I used to wear (and a few that i still might be wearing now). But I’m not that same, old David. These questions were really tough for me because deep inside me, I know that my heart’s allegiance have played and have tested God’s mercy and grace for a long time. It grieved me and shook me to my core.
I saw how I resembled King Saul. Disobedient. Proud. Insecure. Selfish. Unrepentant.
1 Samuel 16:14 shared that for years, King Saul was tormented by an evil spirit (that’s why David was invited to the palace). For years, temptations and pleasures of life have tested my allegiance towards God. No one is exempted you know. Not even Pastor’s Kids. Of course, I never want to sin! There were times when I refused to give in, and then there were times when I gave in. Just like Saul, the hard heart prevailed. Pretty much like in a roller coaster, my spiritual life was up and down. It is sad you know. The fact that even though I know what God does to a sinner, I’d still disobey. Really sad.
Time to make a choice
Life is about choices. King David sinned against God because of Bathsheba, but why didn’t God reject David? Because David chose to immediately repent and go back to God. Knowing the future, the purpose, the destiny, the greatness, the calling God has for me, I choose to be beside my King. I choose to repent and go back to Him. This past months taught me a lot about holiness, righteousness, faithfulness, consecrated life, complete submission, and unwavering loyalty. God wants me to be a David, not a Saul. He faithfully gave me another chance to be a David. God could have allowed for me to die on my [own] sword. He could have, but He did not. God created me to be good, therefore be good! At the end of everything, when God has drawn the final line, I want to be found on His side of the line. We are on the last of the last days, and that line will be drawn sooner than we think [or rather it has been drawn]. Hebrews 6:1 – 6 talks about the point of no repentance especially to those whose eyes have been enlightened. It’s time we make a stand! I know I have to.
Yes, sin and temptation will always be knocking on our door but every time they do, ask yourselves these questions. “Where do you really stand in terms of your heart’s allegiance? Is it in righteousness or in sin? Are you on God’s side or against Him? Are you a King Saul or a David?”
By this time, you should know what the answer should be.